Like a blow to the jaw.

Aw hey.

Sorry for not replying any text or calls or messages if you have sent me or made any to me. I haven't been in the best state of mind in the past few months to sustain a proper conversation with anybody.

If you do read this, it means I've finally given up on someone, and I've finally decided to let go of everything. I'll forget the past, forgive myself. And here are my final thoughts. On what happened last night. If you don't know what did happen, then pleas leave. This post won't make sense to you.

While you read this, dear reader, you may want to play What hurts the most by The Rascal Flatts. Just for the whole setting.

So, are you ready? Here it is.

I can see everything, it's funny how many people don't private their accounts on twitter. Really I don't mind the fact that he still loves her. I don't have a right to mind. I understand that people have.. State of minds? I don't know. Did it hurt? Maybe. I am unsure of how I felt at that point in time. If you had been there, online and active, at that moment, you would have known that I was most definitely, not myself. I'm not actually sure of what happened, but there was something that showed up from inside the depths of my mind. It just lasted out everything I hear in my head, every hour of everyday. I can't escape her. It. The thing in me. Once in a while it shows up and spits in everyone's faces- I cannot control it. The rage. I used to have it a lot as a kid. Just pure rage at myself, and at God, and life and everything. It's messed up.
I think he triggered it- you know? It wasn't even his fault. He just happened to say something that shocked me into the zone. It blasted me out of reality and out of my soul sprang out my inner demons, the damned and the beaten.
He told me to stop, you know? Not me. But that part of me. And I couldn't stop because.. I couldn't. Something just kept trying to push me out of the calm and into chaos. "Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling".And here, I see it was a bad timing for me to get messed up on his timeline because he had his own personal problems that, out of respect, I won't delve into.
I'd very much like to tell him I'm sorry for making him feel uncomfortable, because I really thought I did have hope with him haha. Hmm I guess relationships just aren't my thing? Evidently I suck with guys on that level. I think he was just being really nice to me about things- But I appreciate the effort, but he really doesn't have to. I think I would be okay if he just left forever to go after any girl he'd like. He doesn't have to keep sending me nice text messages to encourage me when he knows I can't ever reply. I think he needs to move on. Before I get stupid hopes up again ^^.

Hmm anyway I really thank god for dance today U_U

I wonder how much this stuff of him leaving will hurt.

byee