In the memory you'll find me. Eyes burning up.

One post before I sleep tonight.

I feel like there is a big big black hole that is slowly gently inhaling me into its dark and unexplored depths. This hole is inside of me. And its really just consuming everything that I possess- everything that makes me- me. Spamming Linkin Park really loudly right now, can't hear anything, and I'm glad. I don't want to hear anything.

Am I afraid? No. As a matter of fact, for some odd reason, I have been rid of fear and pretty much all my emotions as of late. I don't know. I feel like part of me is missing and I am, or whatever is left of me dangles by a mere string of.. What is it? Hope? I don't know.


Or maybe I'm just stressed.

Who knows?
Who cares?
Not me.

I feel.. Strangely powerless. I feel as if my life has run far far away from me, and I am no longer the master of my own fate. I can't save myself, I'm just riding the highway to god knows where.

You know when you say "I want to die", and no one believes you? It's like nobody cares. Or worse, they ignore you.They just pretend not to hear. I can see their faces. They heard me,loud and clear, they just didn't know how, or couldn't or maybe.. Wouldn't help.They didn't know whether they should,, Or maybe they didn't want to ask if I was feeling alright.. They just said I looked tired and sounded tired.

Congratulations for stating the obvious guys, I'm obviously in the pink of health despite the dark swelling under my eyes and the tired croak in my throat. Just dandy.

I don't blame you guys. I don't blame anyone for my plight- that isn't really miserable or all that unbearable. I am just the pessimistic side of my soul. I can't always be looking on the bright side. I can't always be waiting in a spacebound rocketship on the light side of the moon. I have to keep going, keep moving. I can't just be.

Do you understand me>Where I'm coming from? How I'm feeling? This disgusting pit of misery that threatens to shadow my life, my soul, my emotions, my personality?This awful brew of self-disgust, hate, low self-esteem and... Pride?

Pride. Ugh pride. Like a balloon stretched out thin about to be pricked with even the slightest application of pressure- Pride hurts. I hate my pride. No! I hate the feeling of constantly being bruised even with the most simplistic comments that aren;t meant to be offensive. How I hate this burden.

Time to go to bed Chinese and Science exams tomorrow. Simply lovely.

You had my heart, at least for the most part

Hello my love,

How have you been doing?
Not very well I'm afraid. Every moment of everyday I keep feeling like things are growing within me. There are emotions surging and curling that I can't suppress or control.

I went to church today, you know. Oh did you really? Yes. It was alright I suppose, but I get weird bad feelings at church. I think that's why I stopped going to church, because I know I'm going to hell. For sure. I asked Mitchelle if we had to take holy communion, and yes, unfortunately I do I have to.

Unfortunately- because I can't. And there are a few reasons.
1) Unforgiveness in my spirit
2) Murder
3) Unrepentant sins.

I told Cherry I was going to hell- she laugher. I don't think she got it.
I have been praying and praying for me to find strength in myself to let go. But there are people, who make me want to punch them till their jaw hangs broken and dislocated and very very bloody. Please don't ask why I have these violent thoughts- I don't know either. I don't like this at all. I keep replaying the scenes in my head- You would be surprised, maybe I've already thought of you bruised battered and dying, staring at my hands, a filthy witness to my crimes.

Unforgiveness. I don't hate you, boy. You lied to me a few times, forgot about me, used me- It is really okay with me. I am not angry at you. I don't even dislike you. But I. Don't. Forgive. What. You. Have. Done. You are a wonderful person. But what you did. You disgust me I won't ever look in your eyes, and the only times I do, I'm killing you in my mind. I'm peeling the skin of your face off with a steak knife, I'm crushing your spectacles with my foot. And then, I'm punching your gorgeous face leaving mottles bruises, teeth collide with lips drawing blood on impact.

Does it sound twisted? I'm sorry but that's how I feel about you. Friendship- love kind of thing? I'm not in love with you. Because I know that if I had the chance to blow your brains out, I wouldn't, but I would want to.

So please, if you ever see me, enjoy the fact that I'm fantasizing about killing you (:

Don't worry I'll still be very sweet you'll never know.

Murder. My goodness, wouldn't you all be surprised. Thinking about killing someone is already murder you know? Motive, motive, motive. I wouldn't actually kill anybody don't you worry. Picture this: if you, my good close family member, were standing on the ledge of a building, and I was behind the ledge, safe, holding your hand, and there was a strong, freakishly sweeping gust of wind blowing you towards the brink, I'm not sure if I would pull you back.

Who knows? I may even give you a little push. That is how much I love you. I would never put a gun to your mouth, or a bullet to your brain- But if I knew, if I knew you were going to die for a fact, under circumstances beknownst to me- I would not do anything to prevent it. I wouldn't care very much actually.

Unrepentant sins.
Well, you may think I feel bad for all the aforementioned. Do I? Yes of course, am I compelled to change anything or change myself?

Frankly, no.

It is almost as if something is holding onto all the evil it can get in me. And that really creeps me out sometimes. How I can feel and look and speak like.. Mother Teresa and inside I am pretty much humanity's average amount of evil in a nutshell. I fool.. Many people. I think that's what I feel bad about. Fooling the innocent who don't deserve to be lied to.

I have more work to do anyway.

Goodbye, have an enjoyable Sunday evening.

Aw hey.

So if you have.. heard on twitter maybe? If you follow me- You will know that there's been a certain unmentionable girl who has been saying that I am not a virgin.

I ain't even mad. Firstly, I am still very much a virgin, thank you. Secondly, if spreading malicious rumours can make you feel good about yourself? Be my guest. I won't deny you that chance to boost your self-esteem by such pathetic means. I'm sorry I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but that is simply I feel at this moment.

Secondly, I don't have STDs. How can I have STDs if I have never had intercourse? Kind of illogical, yes? You are intelligent. You know that. So how can you say that? How insensitive are you? Even if, in a parallel universe, it had consisted of the tiniest bit of truth, that how can you say that? All out of curiosity no angst here.

I'm not saying this out of anger. The fact of the matter is that if you are saying this purely out of- I'm not even going to try and guess your motive! That would be for one, assuming and that would be most horrible of me. As I was saying, if the fact that you are saying this for whatever reason, and it makes you feel better and happier and smarter or makes you feel anything positive at all- It's quite pathetic, don't you think?

You used to be my closest friend in this school. I think that is the part that sort of makes me feel.. A spike in my "calm graph", so to speak? As I was saying, I trusted you with everything, can you at the very least, respect my privacy? I know it isn't really secret that I've done slutty things, but you have no right to spread it around. You have no right to spread rumours that I have already lost my virginity and that I have STDs. Calm vice. I am saying this in my calm voice. You. Have. No. Right. There with that said, I am still extremely  cool with the whole incident ( I won't even call it an issue) and that's all.

Like a blow to the jaw.

Aw hey.

Sorry for not replying any text or calls or messages if you have sent me or made any to me. I haven't been in the best state of mind in the past few months to sustain a proper conversation with anybody.

If you do read this, it means I've finally given up on someone, and I've finally decided to let go of everything. I'll forget the past, forgive myself. And here are my final thoughts. On what happened last night. If you don't know what did happen, then pleas leave. This post won't make sense to you.

While you read this, dear reader, you may want to play What hurts the most by The Rascal Flatts. Just for the whole setting.

So, are you ready? Here it is.

I can see everything, it's funny how many people don't private their accounts on twitter. Really I don't mind the fact that he still loves her. I don't have a right to mind. I understand that people have.. State of minds? I don't know. Did it hurt? Maybe. I am unsure of how I felt at that point in time. If you had been there, online and active, at that moment, you would have known that I was most definitely, not myself. I'm not actually sure of what happened, but there was something that showed up from inside the depths of my mind. It just lasted out everything I hear in my head, every hour of everyday. I can't escape her. It. The thing in me. Once in a while it shows up and spits in everyone's faces- I cannot control it. The rage. I used to have it a lot as a kid. Just pure rage at myself, and at God, and life and everything. It's messed up.
I think he triggered it- you know? It wasn't even his fault. He just happened to say something that shocked me into the zone. It blasted me out of reality and out of my soul sprang out my inner demons, the damned and the beaten.
He told me to stop, you know? Not me. But that part of me. And I couldn't stop because.. I couldn't. Something just kept trying to push me out of the calm and into chaos. "Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling".And here, I see it was a bad timing for me to get messed up on his timeline because he had his own personal problems that, out of respect, I won't delve into.
I'd very much like to tell him I'm sorry for making him feel uncomfortable, because I really thought I did have hope with him haha. Hmm I guess relationships just aren't my thing? Evidently I suck with guys on that level. I think he was just being really nice to me about things- But I appreciate the effort, but he really doesn't have to. I think I would be okay if he just left forever to go after any girl he'd like. He doesn't have to keep sending me nice text messages to encourage me when he knows I can't ever reply. I think he needs to move on. Before I get stupid hopes up again ^^.

Hmm anyway I really thank god for dance today U_U

I wonder how much this stuff of him leaving will hurt.

byee

All my feels.

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Well helloooo there. [This section shall be on top of every post]

Okay. So let's start off with the not-so normal stuff huh. Unlike those blogs which pretty much scream out "IDGAFFFFF" or "I GIVE TOO MUCH CAAAAAARE", I'm gonna make the purpose of blog pretty clear, and that is, quite simply let you know what happened in my day, and why feel this way. In other words, if you haven't already noticed, this blog is basically going to be me, talking to me. And to let you, reader, if you for some reason, care buckets for me, know about what happened in my day so I don't have to keep telling and re-telling the stories.
So let me look into another portal of computer screens outside that of my own (to which this blog is for, myself, primarily) once again, and address people who are on the other ends of the spectrum who want to read this page. I am not going to say that you can't read my blog, and you can't talk about it, because I don't have a say on that. There are people out there who are going to read my blog just to nit-pick on how crazzap my grammar is, or how my views are narrow-minded, or just to find something wrong with me. I am perfectly fine with that. But really, it is your loss to think that I will be offended by what you say about me behind my back, and that I will get worked up- BECAUSE, 1) What my experience was like in any situation, is extremely self-centred. The very idea that I would even know what is going on in someone else's brain or body is one that is simply unworkable, so there. This page is full of my selfish emotions. There is really no need for you to point that out because, well, if you dislike me and what to do so, save yourself some face and don't, because I am already making myself very clear that these experiences are one-sided and selfish. Anything you find rude, stupid, or judgemental, will be kinda asking for a "YOU DON'T SAY" reaction.
Here are some rules before reading my blog ^^
#1 Do not speak of my blog in real life. if you have a problem with what I am saying, or how I'm thinking or if you'd like to let me know or just console me- text me, message me, call me, but do not speak to this of me in real life. This blog stays confined to the virtual world, and if you forget about this rule, I will very calmly change the topic, and that is that. No worries about me getting angry, you just won't have a very satisfying answer.
#2 Everything here, is not meant to be offensive. My view are my views, your views are yours. Let's have this mutual respect.

And my first post, is up there. YAY.