Hello my love,
How have you been doing?
Not very well I'm afraid. Every moment of everyday I keep feeling like things are growing within me. There are emotions surging and curling that I can't suppress or control.
I went to church today, you know. Oh did you really? Yes. It was alright I suppose, but I get weird bad feelings at church. I think that's why I stopped going to church, because I know I'm going to hell. For sure. I asked Mitchelle if we had to take holy communion, and yes, unfortunately I do I have to.
Unfortunately- because I can't. And there are a few reasons.
1) Unforgiveness in my spirit
2) Murder
3) Unrepentant sins.
I told Cherry I was going to hell- she laugher. I don't think she got it.
I have been praying and praying for me to find strength in myself to let go. But there are people, who make me want to punch them till their jaw hangs broken and dislocated and very very bloody. Please don't ask why I have these violent thoughts- I don't know either. I don't like this at all. I keep replaying the scenes in my head- You would be surprised, maybe I've already thought of you bruised battered and dying, staring at my hands, a filthy witness to my crimes.
Unforgiveness. I don't hate you, boy. You lied to me a few times, forgot about me, used me- It is really okay with me. I am not angry at you. I don't even dislike you. But I. Don't. Forgive. What. You. Have. Done. You are a wonderful person. But what you did. You disgust me I won't ever look in your eyes, and the only times I do, I'm killing you in my mind. I'm peeling the skin of your face off with a steak knife, I'm crushing your spectacles with my foot. And then, I'm punching your gorgeous face leaving mottles bruises, teeth collide with lips drawing blood on impact.
Does it sound twisted? I'm sorry but that's how I feel about you. Friendship- love kind of thing? I'm not in love with you. Because I know that if I had the chance to blow your brains out, I wouldn't, but I would want to.
So please, if you ever see me, enjoy the fact that I'm fantasizing about killing you (:
Don't worry I'll still be very sweet you'll never know.
Murder. My goodness, wouldn't you all be surprised. Thinking about killing someone is already murder you know? Motive, motive, motive. I wouldn't actually kill anybody don't you worry. Picture this: if you, my good close family member, were standing on the ledge of a building, and I was behind the ledge, safe, holding your hand, and there was a strong, freakishly sweeping gust of wind blowing you towards the brink, I'm not sure if I would pull you back.
Who knows? I may even give you a little push. That is how much I love you. I would never put a gun to your mouth, or a bullet to your brain- But if I knew, if I knew you were going to die for a fact, under circumstances beknownst to me- I would not do anything to prevent it. I wouldn't care very much actually.
Unrepentant sins.
Well, you may think I feel bad for all the aforementioned. Do I? Yes of course, am I compelled to change anything or change myself?
Frankly, no.
It is almost as if something is holding onto all the evil it can get in me. And that really creeps me out sometimes. How I can feel and look and speak like.. Mother Teresa and inside I am pretty much humanity's average amount of evil in a nutshell. I fool.. Many people. I think that's what I feel bad about. Fooling the innocent who don't deserve to be lied to.
I have more work to do anyway.
Goodbye, have an enjoyable Sunday evening.
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